unflattering thing

Writing papers is not my specialty and last year I had to write a lot of them, specifically in English class. Every time the day came when Mr. George would pass out the rubrics for the essay we were to write, my day automatically became terribly stressful and upsetting. I dreaded the thought of sitting at my computer and trying put together an essay. From the moment I knew I was to write a paper I was in such a mood about seventy percent of the time and I took those bad moods out on other people, mostly people who were really close to me. Not only did I stress about that essay every single day I would not even try one but of it until the night before it was due. Not the best way to go about that.

So the night before the paper was due would come, it would be the worst night of my life each time. I would come home from school and do absolutely anything to stray from doing my paper. Finally the moment would come when I would have to force myself to sit down at my computer and start my paper. The hardest thing for me to do was how to start to it, I could not be able to think of something to write and I would just get so angry. From then on I would become so unbelievable upset and stressed about the paper that I would just not be able to do it at all. This was not in a self pity kind of way, it was that just physically was not able to do because I was so upset that I was incapable of doing it. Everyone would just tell me to calm down, relax, and they would help whenever I needed it. Instead I would do the exact opposite, I was get even more angry and say things like “ you don’t understand this is way too hard!” and “I suck at writing papers so it doesn’t even matter, I don’t know why I’m even doing it.” I would just completely over react and take it out on everyone else. Then once I got into the momentum of doing my paper, I was completely fine. I did it without complaints or help, because I knew that if I asked for any help I would just stress myself out even more because I would not be able to handle if I did something wrong at this point. So I went on without a word and passed the paper in the next day, then once I got my grade back I would get so upset again because it was not a good grade. This has become sort of a habit now. It is something that just automatically happens when I do not even notice it and has become a way of who I am. It is not something I’m very proud of at all but then again we can not all be perfect.