perspective of a girl in an abusive relationship

Dear Journal,
Again...

More bumps and bruises to try and hide from everyone...

So, I woke this morning and got ready to go work and as I was in the shower my boyfriend called. I rushed out to answer, but I was too late... So I called him back right away. "I hope he's not mad." "I hope he doesn't yell." The ringing stopped...

"Why didn't you answer the first time?!"
"Sorry I was in the shower. It won't happen again."
"Yeah you bet it won't happen again... Anyway, when you get out of work do you wanna come over?
"Yyyeah, I get off at 3."
"Okay, love you Babe."

Why did I say yeah! I was supposed to go to Marie's after work and this would be the fourth time this week that I ditched her. But I can't tell Mark no, he'd kill me...

So, after work I went to Mark's, when I got there only his car was in the drive way... I didn't want to go in, I knew were this was going. But I had to. So I went in and he was in the kitchen making two turkey sandwiches and ice tea. My favorite lunch! I gave him a kiss and we went into the living room and started watching T.V. Things were going great, we were laughing cuddling and kissing. Then when we were kissing, he started moving his hand up leg. "Should I just let it happen again?" "But I don't want to, I don't like it" "But he'll get way to angry and I really, really don't want that." "No! I can't do this, it's not fair on me." So I moved his hand away, but he moved it back up. so I stopped kissing him and told him that I didn't want have sex...

Bad idea.

He turned his head and breathed deeply. I was so scared so I tried to get up, but before I could he grabbed me by the shirt and pinned me down...

For what seemed like eternity I was being severely hurt. Finally it stopped I sat up, it was almost 6 and his parents would be home soon so I knew I had to leave. Mark gave me a kiss, walked me to my car, and I drove home.

How could He do this to me? How could he beat me when he says he loves me? I've just had too much of this that I want to just pick up my phone and end it right here right now. But I can't. I'm too scared, God only knows what he'd do if I tried to break up with him. I just don't even know what to do anymore. I love him, he says he loves me, he beats me, I let him...

God, make it stop, please!

Michelle