Dear Journal,
Again...
More bumps and bruises to try and hide from everyone...
So, I woke this morning and got ready to go work and as I was in the shower my boyfriend called. I rushed out to answer, but I was too late... So I called him back right away. "I hope he's not mad." "I hope he doesn't yell." The ringing stopped...
"Why didn't you answer the first time?!"
"Sorry I was in the shower. It won't happen again."
"Yeah you bet it won't happen again... Anyway, when you get out of work do you wanna come over?
"Yyyeah, I get off at 3."
"Okay, love you Babe."
Why did I say yeah! I was supposed to go to Marie's after work and this would be the fourth time this week that I ditched her. But I can't tell Mark no, he'd kill me...
So, after work I went to Mark's, when I got there only his car was in the drive way... I didn't want to go in, I knew were this was going. But I had to. So I went in and he was in the kitchen making two turkey sandwiches and ice tea. My favorite lunch! I gave him a kiss and we went into the living room and started watching T.V. Things were going great, we were laughing cuddling and kissing. Then when we were kissing, he started moving his hand up leg. "Should I just let it happen again?" "But I don't want to, I don't like it" "But he'll get way to angry and I really, really don't want that." "No! I can't do this, it's not fair on me." So I moved his hand away, but he moved it back up. so I stopped kissing him and told him that I didn't want have sex...
Bad idea.
He turned his head and breathed deeply. I was so scared so I tried to get up, but before I could he grabbed me by the shirt and pinned me down...
For what seemed like eternity I was being severely hurt. Finally it stopped I sat up, it was almost 6 and his parents would be home soon so I knew I had to leave. Mark gave me a kiss, walked me to my car, and I drove home.
How could He do this to me? How could he beat me when he says he loves me? I've just had too much of this that I want to just pick up my phone and end it right here right now. But I can't. I'm too scared, God only knows what he'd do if I tried to break up with him. I just don't even know what to do anymore. I love him, he says he loves me, he beats me, I let him...
God, make it stop, please!
Michelle
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
perspective of a homosexual boy at school
Dear Journal,
School was so hard again today. Not because of the classes but because of all the kids at school and... my friends. It's so hard being in the closet and trying to keep it that way.
I walked into homeroom over to my friends and Joey goes "Dude, what are you, gay? Take that off!" because I was wearing what I think was a really nice vest, but I guess it was too "gay" for my friends. This is just so hard, I want to tell my friends that I'm gay so bad, I mean they are my best friends they should accept it right? Ah, what am I thinking, they're always making fun of me because of my clothing style and saying that stuff like "only a faggot would wear that" and they're always making fun other gay people. And that hurts me, just because someone likes to wear a different style of clothing than them, or likes a different sex than them doesn't mean there is something wrong with them, or that they are bad people. I don't think anything is wrong with my friends because they like girls and I don't, and they like a different style of clothing then me. I still accept them, they are still good people to me.
I think the only one that understands me is my sister because she has gay friends and she knows that I'm gay, and she doesn't act different to me. So, I would hope that my friends would do the same but I doubt it, and that sucks so bad. I just don't even know what to do anymore, the only that knows is my sister and she keeps telling me to tell my parents but I just don't know how to, I don't want to disappoint them. My dad is always bugging me about why I don't play sports. Like today when he walked in from work, the first thing he said to me was "So, did you try out for baseball today?" and I hesitantly said no and he just looked so disappointed and angry at the same time that I just walked away. He hasn't talked to me since. I know he wouldn't accept it, sometimes I'm afraid he might disown me if he found out. He's just such a typical sports dad and of course my little brother is all about sports so, we already know who's the favorite. I just don't understand why he doesn't just accept that I don't like sports, my brother didn't like sports when he was little and he didn't say anything... Maybe he suspects that I'm gay and that's why hes so angry? But that's even worse. Ah! This is just so hard, between my friends and my dad. The two people I would think would love me no matter what, I can't even tell them who I really am. It's not fair. Life is not the way I thought it would be in what are supposed to be the best years of my life...
For now,
Danny
School was so hard again today. Not because of the classes but because of all the kids at school and... my friends. It's so hard being in the closet and trying to keep it that way.
I walked into homeroom over to my friends and Joey goes "Dude, what are you, gay? Take that off!" because I was wearing what I think was a really nice vest, but I guess it was too "gay" for my friends. This is just so hard, I want to tell my friends that I'm gay so bad, I mean they are my best friends they should accept it right? Ah, what am I thinking, they're always making fun of me because of my clothing style and saying that stuff like "only a faggot would wear that" and they're always making fun other gay people. And that hurts me, just because someone likes to wear a different style of clothing than them, or likes a different sex than them doesn't mean there is something wrong with them, or that they are bad people. I don't think anything is wrong with my friends because they like girls and I don't, and they like a different style of clothing then me. I still accept them, they are still good people to me.
I think the only one that understands me is my sister because she has gay friends and she knows that I'm gay, and she doesn't act different to me. So, I would hope that my friends would do the same but I doubt it, and that sucks so bad. I just don't even know what to do anymore, the only that knows is my sister and she keeps telling me to tell my parents but I just don't know how to, I don't want to disappoint them. My dad is always bugging me about why I don't play sports. Like today when he walked in from work, the first thing he said to me was "So, did you try out for baseball today?" and I hesitantly said no and he just looked so disappointed and angry at the same time that I just walked away. He hasn't talked to me since. I know he wouldn't accept it, sometimes I'm afraid he might disown me if he found out. He's just such a typical sports dad and of course my little brother is all about sports so, we already know who's the favorite. I just don't understand why he doesn't just accept that I don't like sports, my brother didn't like sports when he was little and he didn't say anything... Maybe he suspects that I'm gay and that's why hes so angry? But that's even worse. Ah! This is just so hard, between my friends and my dad. The two people I would think would love me no matter what, I can't even tell them who I really am. It's not fair. Life is not the way I thought it would be in what are supposed to be the best years of my life...
For now,
Danny
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
girl with anorexia
Dear Diary,
Today was another normal day...
A day of misery.
I hate the way I am. I'm so fat and everyone knows it. Everyone is always looking at me and I know exactly what they are thinking, "Oh man shes huge!" I try to change but its just not working. Today all I ate was half a slice of toast with no butter for breakfast, a water for lunch, and nothing for dinner and I've been doing that or less for weeks now and I don't see a change. Every time I see a mirror and I look all I see is fat. BIG FAT ME! Why isn't any of this working whyyy!? I'm not happy ever. I can't sleep, but all I want to do is sleep and everyone is always asking me tons of questions. And when they do, I get so nervous, like today Nikki asked why I wasn't eating anything and I told her I had no money for lunch, but when I said that she offered to pay for me, but I was like "Oh no you don't have to do that, I'll be fine." but she insisted, so then i hurried off to the bathroom and didn't come out until lunch was over. I think she's suspecting something. I think my mom is too, I can tell and she's always telling me she's worried about me. I don't know why, why would she want a big, fat daughter anyway? She should be happy I'm doing something about it and not get mad when I don't want to eat dinner! She's so annoying and she doesn't understand anything! All I want is to be skinny and no one understands that. They just all stare at me and I get so scared of what they are thinking and it makes me so miserable to the point where I don't want to leave home because I don't want anyone to see me like this. If they did I think they would be more scared to see me because I am so fat... I just hate this, no one can accept that I'm and so I try to do something about it and none excepts that either. Like, I realize that I'm huge, you don't have to remind me so stop staring at me! It's not fair, I just want this to stop, I can't take it anymore. It's affecting my moods so much, one minute I'm happy and talking to Nikki, the next minute I'm flipping out on mom, and before I know it I'm crying myself to sleep. Why is this happening to me! I've been doing so good on watching what I'm eating and I only eat a tiny bit each day if anything at all. It's just not fair. I eat and I'm fat and I don't eat and I'm fat. Nothing is my life is right, I hate it so much. Seriously everyone just leave me the fuck alone, I know I'm a cow, so just stop staring! Like do they not think I know? Of course I know, if I didn't know I wouldn't be doing anything about it!
I'm way too upset write anymore so I'm going to go try and sleep now or something.
bye.
Today was another normal day...
A day of misery.
I hate the way I am. I'm so fat and everyone knows it. Everyone is always looking at me and I know exactly what they are thinking, "Oh man shes huge!" I try to change but its just not working. Today all I ate was half a slice of toast with no butter for breakfast, a water for lunch, and nothing for dinner and I've been doing that or less for weeks now and I don't see a change. Every time I see a mirror and I look all I see is fat. BIG FAT ME! Why isn't any of this working whyyy!? I'm not happy ever. I can't sleep, but all I want to do is sleep and everyone is always asking me tons of questions. And when they do, I get so nervous, like today Nikki asked why I wasn't eating anything and I told her I had no money for lunch, but when I said that she offered to pay for me, but I was like "Oh no you don't have to do that, I'll be fine." but she insisted, so then i hurried off to the bathroom and didn't come out until lunch was over. I think she's suspecting something. I think my mom is too, I can tell and she's always telling me she's worried about me. I don't know why, why would she want a big, fat daughter anyway? She should be happy I'm doing something about it and not get mad when I don't want to eat dinner! She's so annoying and she doesn't understand anything! All I want is to be skinny and no one understands that. They just all stare at me and I get so scared of what they are thinking and it makes me so miserable to the point where I don't want to leave home because I don't want anyone to see me like this. If they did I think they would be more scared to see me because I am so fat... I just hate this, no one can accept that I'm and so I try to do something about it and none excepts that either. Like, I realize that I'm huge, you don't have to remind me so stop staring at me! It's not fair, I just want this to stop, I can't take it anymore. It's affecting my moods so much, one minute I'm happy and talking to Nikki, the next minute I'm flipping out on mom, and before I know it I'm crying myself to sleep. Why is this happening to me! I've been doing so good on watching what I'm eating and I only eat a tiny bit each day if anything at all. It's just not fair. I eat and I'm fat and I don't eat and I'm fat. Nothing is my life is right, I hate it so much. Seriously everyone just leave me the fuck alone, I know I'm a cow, so just stop staring! Like do they not think I know? Of course I know, if I didn't know I wouldn't be doing anything about it!
I'm way too upset write anymore so I'm going to go try and sleep now or something.
bye.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Letter found on the Titanic
My dearest love,
The ship leaves in two days! Two more days until my long journey home to see you. I can't wait to see you, this time apart has made me realize so much. It has made me realize what you really mean to me...
You mean the world to me.
You have made me the person I am today, and without you I wouldn't be where I am today. Trough all the ups and downs you were always there. No matter what. Even if I was 150% wrong with something, you were always there standing by me and never doubting me and I thank you so much for that... I don't think I say that enough and I'm sorry for that. I don't show my appreciation for you enough and so I am now in this letter. I am showing my appreciation to you by saying "yes, I will marry you." I'm sorry it took me so long to give you my answer, I was just scared because I didn't know what I was feeling because I didn't know how to express it. But I have finally realized how to and that's is taking your hand in marriage because I love you with my mind, heart, and soul and you are the half that makes me whole. I need to be your wife. I need you to be my husband. I need to be without you forever, 'till death do us part because I love you more than anything and I know you do as well.
I finally understand how you feel. I now know why you were pushing me for an answer so much and I now know why you were so upset when I said I didn't know my answer. It was because of this unconditional love! And I'm so sorry for putting you through that, but now you no longer have to because the day return. The day you see me walk off the Titanic, is the day I will be in your arms forever. That day, we will tell everyone. That day we will pick a date. That day I'm yours for forever.
All my love,
your dearest fiance.
p.s. Hi my love again,
You are probably wondering why I'm sitting with you right now and I did not send this to you. Well that's because I had to there. I had to be there when you read this, I needed to see your face after this and I needed to be able to see your reaction. I need kiss after you read this. I did not want to leave you anticipating my homecoming with this on your mind, I knew you hate that. So instead I decided to bring it on the ship with me, bring it to you myself. So I can't wait to hold in my arms after i read this, I love you.
The ship leaves in two days! Two more days until my long journey home to see you. I can't wait to see you, this time apart has made me realize so much. It has made me realize what you really mean to me...
You mean the world to me.
You have made me the person I am today, and without you I wouldn't be where I am today. Trough all the ups and downs you were always there. No matter what. Even if I was 150% wrong with something, you were always there standing by me and never doubting me and I thank you so much for that... I don't think I say that enough and I'm sorry for that. I don't show my appreciation for you enough and so I am now in this letter. I am showing my appreciation to you by saying "yes, I will marry you." I'm sorry it took me so long to give you my answer, I was just scared because I didn't know what I was feeling because I didn't know how to express it. But I have finally realized how to and that's is taking your hand in marriage because I love you with my mind, heart, and soul and you are the half that makes me whole. I need to be your wife. I need you to be my husband. I need to be without you forever, 'till death do us part because I love you more than anything and I know you do as well.
I finally understand how you feel. I now know why you were pushing me for an answer so much and I now know why you were so upset when I said I didn't know my answer. It was because of this unconditional love! And I'm so sorry for putting you through that, but now you no longer have to because the day return. The day you see me walk off the Titanic, is the day I will be in your arms forever. That day, we will tell everyone. That day we will pick a date. That day I'm yours for forever.
All my love,
your dearest fiance.
p.s. Hi my love again,
You are probably wondering why I'm sitting with you right now and I did not send this to you. Well that's because I had to there. I had to be there when you read this, I needed to see your face after this and I needed to be able to see your reaction. I need kiss after you read this. I did not want to leave you anticipating my homecoming with this on your mind, I knew you hate that. So instead I decided to bring it on the ship with me, bring it to you myself. So I can't wait to hold in my arms after i read this, I love you.
Letter from mother to unborn baby
Hello little one,
I'm dying to meet you! I can't wait to see your tiny little fingers and toes, oh I'm so excited! I have so much to tell you and I'm too anxious to wait so I'm just going to start now (:
Well I'm your mother Caroline, but everyone calls me Kerrie, I know I know, those names have nothing to do with each other but that's a funny story I'll tell you when you are older. Anyway, your father's name is James, but everyone calls him Jim, and at work they call him Jimmy (but we don't like that, so for future reference, have your friends call him Jim.) Well your dad is also so excited to meet you, he always has a smile on his face when he sees you (my belly.) He has even bought your crib and put it together already and we haven't even painted to the room yet! But that's your father for you, always doing everything out of the order.
So it's been six weeks and we already have tons of names for you....
If you are a handsome little boy we have:
Rory
Conor
Sean
James
John
Anthony
And if you are a beautiful little girl we have:
Bridget
Mary
Brianna
Rory(it can be a boy or girls name)
Lily
Ciara
Any you fancy? If so you give me a little kick to the ones you like.
Well I can't write any more becase daddy and I going into the doctors office for my ultrasound.
See you in a few (:
Mummy
I'm dying to meet you! I can't wait to see your tiny little fingers and toes, oh I'm so excited! I have so much to tell you and I'm too anxious to wait so I'm just going to start now (:
Well I'm your mother Caroline, but everyone calls me Kerrie, I know I know, those names have nothing to do with each other but that's a funny story I'll tell you when you are older. Anyway, your father's name is James, but everyone calls him Jim, and at work they call him Jimmy (but we don't like that, so for future reference, have your friends call him Jim.) Well your dad is also so excited to meet you, he always has a smile on his face when he sees you (my belly.) He has even bought your crib and put it together already and we haven't even painted to the room yet! But that's your father for you, always doing everything out of the order.
So it's been six weeks and we already have tons of names for you....
If you are a handsome little boy we have:
Rory
Conor
Sean
James
John
Anthony
And if you are a beautiful little girl we have:
Bridget
Mary
Brianna
Rory(it can be a boy or girls name)
Lily
Ciara
Any you fancy? If so you give me a little kick to the ones you like.
Well I can't write any more becase daddy and I going into the doctors office for my ultrasound.
See you in a few (:
Mummy
Letter from aborted baby to mother
Dear "mother,"
It took quite the courage to call you that considering what you have done to me. What you did to me killed me
literally.
You aborted me. Now I just have a few questions...
Why did you abort me? Honestly, what was the big problem with keeping someone alive? Your own child! I was already your child, I was already apart of your family. I was alive! Why did you have to kill me? Was I not worth it? Was your own child now worth your time? I do understand that it takes a lot time and effort to raise a child, but if you took the time to have sex you should of thought about the consequence of taking the time to raise a child. I don't understand how you could do that to me. Would you ever think about taking a person that's walking down the street and killing them? Your answer is most likely no, so why would you want to take me from YOU and kill me? I'm your "daughter" I am "family" that person walking down the street is a complete stranger and you wouldn't think of killing them, but you would kill me...
You DID kill me!
I just don't understand anything. For some reason I still have love for you, even though you did this to me, I still do and I don't know why. Maybe it's because you were SUPPOSED to be my mother and I'm going to have an unconditional love for no matter what, but you my "mother" is definitely supposed to have an unconditional love for me, your "daughter" but yet you could take my life? None of this makes sense to me, I'm just so confused and hurt. I am unbelievably hurt by this that it's killing me (but I can't say that since you already did..) I just don't even know what to say anymore except, WHY? All I want to know is why, so please tell me. But, if you are going to give me an answer like "I wasn't ready to raise a child" or something equally lame, don't bother, it would hurt less to be unanswered.
Lividly,
your "daughter"
It took quite the courage to call you that considering what you have done to me. What you did to me killed me
literally.
You aborted me. Now I just have a few questions...
Why did you abort me? Honestly, what was the big problem with keeping someone alive? Your own child! I was already your child, I was already apart of your family. I was alive! Why did you have to kill me? Was I not worth it? Was your own child now worth your time? I do understand that it takes a lot time and effort to raise a child, but if you took the time to have sex you should of thought about the consequence of taking the time to raise a child. I don't understand how you could do that to me. Would you ever think about taking a person that's walking down the street and killing them? Your answer is most likely no, so why would you want to take me from YOU and kill me? I'm your "daughter" I am "family" that person walking down the street is a complete stranger and you wouldn't think of killing them, but you would kill me...
You DID kill me!
I just don't understand anything. For some reason I still have love for you, even though you did this to me, I still do and I don't know why. Maybe it's because you were SUPPOSED to be my mother and I'm going to have an unconditional love for no matter what, but you my "mother" is definitely supposed to have an unconditional love for me, your "daughter" but yet you could take my life? None of this makes sense to me, I'm just so confused and hurt. I am unbelievably hurt by this that it's killing me (but I can't say that since you already did..) I just don't even know what to say anymore except, WHY? All I want to know is why, so please tell me. But, if you are going to give me an answer like "I wasn't ready to raise a child" or something equally lame, don't bother, it would hurt less to be unanswered.
Lividly,
your "daughter"
From body part to me
Dear Ciara,
So rumor has it that you want get me pierced... Is this true? If so let me lay down the law.
This is going to hurt me like hell! A big metal bar is going through one part of skin and out through another, just for a little gem to be there? If that's what you call cute, that's your opinion... Anyway, that's beside the point. As I said before, this is going to kill so I would think that you would have enough common courtesy to even ask me! But NOO, so I'm going to be the bigger person here and let you do this. I'm going to let you stab me through my whole being...
For a cost.
You will follow all the instructions that the person physically doing this to me (oh how i would love to hurt them!) tells you to do. Other than that, will take extra special care of me. Instead of waiting those six months to stick all different kids of metal bars into me, you will wait a year. Yeah, I said it, a year. I want extra time to heal and to get used to it. What does that person piercing me know? He's not a bellybutton! He doesn't know how I feel and how long it really takes for me to stop hurting! So one year it is.
Another thing, none of those big dangling things are allowed. They will really just drag me down. Hey, I'm not a body builder here, I can't hold all that weight. So, please, stick to the little gems, you'll survive.
And last but certainly not least, keep me clean! Make sure you wash me everyday and dry me thouroly, I'm not trying to get sick. I've never been sick before and I'm not about to start here. So PLEASE keep me clean!
Now that's not too hard, right? Good. So, just do this for me, I'm doing this for you, I'm letting you stick me with a big metal bar, so the least you could do is respect these few wishes of mine.
Sincerely,
Bellybutton
So rumor has it that you want get me pierced... Is this true? If so let me lay down the law.
This is going to hurt me like hell! A big metal bar is going through one part of skin and out through another, just for a little gem to be there? If that's what you call cute, that's your opinion... Anyway, that's beside the point. As I said before, this is going to kill so I would think that you would have enough common courtesy to even ask me! But NOO, so I'm going to be the bigger person here and let you do this. I'm going to let you stab me through my whole being...
For a cost.
You will follow all the instructions that the person physically doing this to me (oh how i would love to hurt them!) tells you to do. Other than that, will take extra special care of me. Instead of waiting those six months to stick all different kids of metal bars into me, you will wait a year. Yeah, I said it, a year. I want extra time to heal and to get used to it. What does that person piercing me know? He's not a bellybutton! He doesn't know how I feel and how long it really takes for me to stop hurting! So one year it is.
Another thing, none of those big dangling things are allowed. They will really just drag me down. Hey, I'm not a body builder here, I can't hold all that weight. So, please, stick to the little gems, you'll survive.
And last but certainly not least, keep me clean! Make sure you wash me everyday and dry me thouroly, I'm not trying to get sick. I've never been sick before and I'm not about to start here. So PLEASE keep me clean!
Now that's not too hard, right? Good. So, just do this for me, I'm doing this for you, I'm letting you stick me with a big metal bar, so the least you could do is respect these few wishes of mine.
Sincerely,
Bellybutton
letter to myself (10 years to the future)
Dear Ciara,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! How does it feel that you (me?) are 26 years old? I always wondered what it would feel like, now you can tell me; or now I can feel it. Do you still remember what it feels like to be 16? Well, if you don't I'm going tell you because some pretty important and life-changing events have happened...
Well right now i am almost sixteen and half and already in these five months I've become a different person from June 16, 2008. On that day, you took your two finals at school and then your six best friends came over for cake and ice cream and to celebrate your birthday. That was a great day, not only because it was your sweet sixteen, but because that was last day you put your feelings last and the last day you let people walk all over you. After that day you learned how to stand up for yourself and how to express your true feelings.
All your life you have been too nice. If someone hurt you, you never did much to let them know. All you needed was a small apology and you didn't even care to think if it was meaningful or not. You never wanted, let alone asked, for a, explanation, reason, anything. Everything was an "I'll just let this one slide" situation. And you know, it never really seemed to bother you. Until the summer of 2008...
Problem after problem. Fight after fight. Lie after lie. This was changing you who were. Nothing was going right. and you couldn't stand it anymore. Finally you stood up for yourself. Finally no one walked all over you and you finally expressed your true feelings...
This changed your life..
You were finally happy.
Now do you remember what it feels like to be 16? Do still feel that way? If so, then I have succeeded. YOU have succeeded and this letter was just a mere flashback of how things used to be. Just a mere reminder to never let that guard down again, ever.
Have a wonderful birthday,
Ciara (16 years old)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! How does it feel that you (me?) are 26 years old? I always wondered what it would feel like, now you can tell me; or now I can feel it. Do you still remember what it feels like to be 16? Well, if you don't I'm going tell you because some pretty important and life-changing events have happened...
Well right now i am almost sixteen and half and already in these five months I've become a different person from June 16, 2008. On that day, you took your two finals at school and then your six best friends came over for cake and ice cream and to celebrate your birthday. That was a great day, not only because it was your sweet sixteen, but because that was last day you put your feelings last and the last day you let people walk all over you. After that day you learned how to stand up for yourself and how to express your true feelings.
All your life you have been too nice. If someone hurt you, you never did much to let them know. All you needed was a small apology and you didn't even care to think if it was meaningful or not. You never wanted, let alone asked, for a, explanation, reason, anything. Everything was an "I'll just let this one slide" situation. And you know, it never really seemed to bother you. Until the summer of 2008...
Problem after problem. Fight after fight. Lie after lie. This was changing you who were. Nothing was going right. and you couldn't stand it anymore. Finally you stood up for yourself. Finally no one walked all over you and you finally expressed your true feelings...
This changed your life..
You were finally happy.
Now do you remember what it feels like to be 16? Do still feel that way? If so, then I have succeeded. YOU have succeeded and this letter was just a mere flashback of how things used to be. Just a mere reminder to never let that guard down again, ever.
Have a wonderful birthday,
Ciara (16 years old)
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Frogiveness letter to me
Dear Ciara,
This is the last thing I expected myself to do and I know for a fact that this is going to be a huge shock to you as well, but here it is. Remember all those time we go into arguments? All the arguments that led to you saying stuff like “ good one, dropout.”, “and this coming from the 19 year old freshmen” or the worst “how does it feel that I passed you in school?” in front of my friends. Yes, I know that a lot of my friends did the same thing I did, but some have not, but the point is, that it is just damn right embarrassing. Not only did that embarrass me every time you said something like, it hurt like hell. I know I did not show it but, hey you know me… Do I ever show my feelings toward anything, to anyone? So for me to be writing you this letter is big, it means that it really upset me, especially coming from you. I know we have never really had that great of a relationship but you know I care, you know I love you and that’s why I want to say “it’s okay.” it’s okay that you said all those hurtful and embarrassing things. It’s okay that you made me feel like a failure, because deep down I know you only said those things out of anger, I know you look up to me and I know you wouldn’t purposely want to hurt me. Not only do I know that deep down, I know that because I’ve heard your conversations with your friends, ya know, the ones when you say “Dropping out is not necessarily a bad thing, school just isn’t for some people, and that’s okay. I know plenty of people, my brother, who have not finished school and they are doing great things with their lives.” You probably never thought I heard those conversations, but I did and those mean so much to me and so it’s okay. But, the hardest thing to deal with was even though I got my GED as soon as I could, and I passed the test with flying colors, you still said things like that. You still made me feel like a failure and just made me feel plain stupid. But it’s okay because I’ve learned to look past that and be the bigger person and say, “it’s okay.” So, remember this. Remember that I’m you big brother you still love you no matter what. Remember that I forgive you.
Your big brother,
Sean
This is the last thing I expected myself to do and I know for a fact that this is going to be a huge shock to you as well, but here it is. Remember all those time we go into arguments? All the arguments that led to you saying stuff like “ good one, dropout.”, “and this coming from the 19 year old freshmen” or the worst “how does it feel that I passed you in school?” in front of my friends. Yes, I know that a lot of my friends did the same thing I did, but some have not, but the point is, that it is just damn right embarrassing. Not only did that embarrass me every time you said something like, it hurt like hell. I know I did not show it but, hey you know me… Do I ever show my feelings toward anything, to anyone? So for me to be writing you this letter is big, it means that it really upset me, especially coming from you. I know we have never really had that great of a relationship but you know I care, you know I love you and that’s why I want to say “it’s okay.” it’s okay that you said all those hurtful and embarrassing things. It’s okay that you made me feel like a failure, because deep down I know you only said those things out of anger, I know you look up to me and I know you wouldn’t purposely want to hurt me. Not only do I know that deep down, I know that because I’ve heard your conversations with your friends, ya know, the ones when you say “Dropping out is not necessarily a bad thing, school just isn’t for some people, and that’s okay. I know plenty of people, my brother, who have not finished school and they are doing great things with their lives.” You probably never thought I heard those conversations, but I did and those mean so much to me and so it’s okay. But, the hardest thing to deal with was even though I got my GED as soon as I could, and I passed the test with flying colors, you still said things like that. You still made me feel like a failure and just made me feel plain stupid. But it’s okay because I’ve learned to look past that and be the bigger person and say, “it’s okay.” So, remember this. Remember that I’m you big brother you still love you no matter what. Remember that I forgive you.
Your big brother,
Sean
Sunday, October 19, 2008
finished my intros
1. From West Roxbury to Wrenthem, and it was never the same.
2. "Stop lying and things won't have to be like this." and the slam of a closing cell phone were the last meaningful actions for quite some time.
3. Rule #1: Never ride a tricycle in the house.
4. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof to destroy it.
5. And I'll never forget the bitter sweet sounds of the bagpipes playing in warm spring breeze.
1. From West Roxbury to Wrenthem, and it was never the same.. No more than one day spent without each other. Walks back and forth from my house to her house, were always the best. But now, those walks would take ages. The distance between us seems like that of the Atlantic Ocean and so was the bond we shared.
2. "Stop lying and things won't have to be like this." And the slam of a closing cell phone were last meaningful actions for quite some time. The feeling of a knife being stabbed into my back by my very own best friend was unbearable. So, i had to do something, but now i don't know whats worse; feeling worthless because I guess I'm not worth the truth or feeling worthless because I guess I'm not worth her time.
3. Rule #1: Never ride a tricycle in the house. Three years old, innocent and rash. The second floor seemed like a perfectly good place to go for a ride.. Peddling, everything is going well until a hill, a bumpy hill.. One. Two. Three ... Ten bumps in a row, wait... those were stairs.
4. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof to destroy it. Five years, a wonderful five years of a relationship...
Based completely on lies..
5. And I'll never forget the bitter sweet sounds of the bagpipes playing in the warm spring breeze. The beginning of May, such a beautiful time of the year, usually. But for me, not so much. Uncle Jimmy, Great Uncle Jimmy, one of greatest men i know was put to an eternal sleep and so was apart of me: 'the little one." That was he called me and I can no longer go on being that person if he is not there, i need "the little one" to be with him, not me, because without him there is no "little one" so with him "the little one" will be with him forever, I will be with him forever.
2. "Stop lying and things won't have to be like this." and the slam of a closing cell phone were the last meaningful actions for quite some time.
3. Rule #1: Never ride a tricycle in the house.
4. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof to destroy it.
5. And I'll never forget the bitter sweet sounds of the bagpipes playing in warm spring breeze.
1. From West Roxbury to Wrenthem, and it was never the same.. No more than one day spent without each other. Walks back and forth from my house to her house, were always the best. But now, those walks would take ages. The distance between us seems like that of the Atlantic Ocean and so was the bond we shared.
2. "Stop lying and things won't have to be like this." And the slam of a closing cell phone were last meaningful actions for quite some time. The feeling of a knife being stabbed into my back by my very own best friend was unbearable. So, i had to do something, but now i don't know whats worse; feeling worthless because I guess I'm not worth the truth or feeling worthless because I guess I'm not worth her time.
3. Rule #1: Never ride a tricycle in the house. Three years old, innocent and rash. The second floor seemed like a perfectly good place to go for a ride.. Peddling, everything is going well until a hill, a bumpy hill.. One. Two. Three ... Ten bumps in a row, wait... those were stairs.
4. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof to destroy it. Five years, a wonderful five years of a relationship...
Based completely on lies..
5. And I'll never forget the bitter sweet sounds of the bagpipes playing in the warm spring breeze. The beginning of May, such a beautiful time of the year, usually. But for me, not so much. Uncle Jimmy, Great Uncle Jimmy, one of greatest men i know was put to an eternal sleep and so was apart of me: 'the little one." That was he called me and I can no longer go on being that person if he is not there, i need "the little one" to be with him, not me, because without him there is no "little one" so with him "the little one" will be with him forever, I will be with him forever.
Friday, October 17, 2008
finishing intros
1.) There was darkness as far as the eye could see.
2.) Defeat was in the midst, as I saw the prize diminish right before my eyes.
3.) A falling sensation overcame myself.
4.) The potential of those beady, blue eyes seemed infinite.
5.) The silky gloss of fur was my best memory of the rabbits.
1.) There was darkness as far as the eye could see. There I was, standing alone in the forest not having any idea what i was about to come across. I started walking, slowly and cautiously, looking for anything but darkness, but there was nothing. Just darkness. Stillness. Silence, not
even a single howl of wind. It was then when i noticed... I was not alone.
2. Defeat was in the midst, as I saw the prize diminish right before my eyes. I went for the kick, to get the winning goal, But no slower than lightning, the ball was gone traveling down the other end of the field in the enemy's possession. Then, a thunder of screams and cheers was heard and the excitement of winning the championship was all around. Except for me, still on the grounded and the disappointed faces all looking down to me.
3. A falling sensation came over myself as I looked down to see nothing but deep, blue water. Should I do it? I had to! The ten faces behind me were all burning holes in the back of neck and no matter what I did those holes would still be burning. But, if i did it, would they do it to? They said they would but this looks too risky for even them. As i was still staring down into the water thousands of "yes's" and "no's" were rattling through my brain with a justification to each. The moment of truth came... Those holes burning more than ever now.
4. The potential of those beady, blue eyes seemed infinite. It was the first time i had ever seen him do such a thing. He was invisible, he the bravest person in the world. He, was my hero.
5. The silky gloss of fur was my best memory of the rabbits. Christmas day, 6 years back; the most memorable one. Instead of the usual beautifully wrapped parcels under the tree, there was a blank, brown box with hundreds of tiny holes. I ran darted over the box, opened it, put my hand inside and the silky gloss of fur was the best memory of the rabbits.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
cliff hangers
1. From West Roxbury to Wrenthem, and it was never the same.
2. "Stop lying and things won't have to be like this." and the slam of a closing cell phone were the last meaningful actions for quite some time.
3. Rule #1: Never ride a tricycle in the house.
4. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof to destroy it.
5. And I'll never forget the bitter sweet sounds of the bagpipes playing in warm spring breeze.
2. "Stop lying and things won't have to be like this." and the slam of a closing cell phone were the last meaningful actions for quite some time.
3. Rule #1: Never ride a tricycle in the house.
4. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof to destroy it.
5. And I'll never forget the bitter sweet sounds of the bagpipes playing in warm spring breeze.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
"Me Talk Pretty One Day"
1. Sedaris took a potentially boring experience and turned into a humerous essay by making fun of himself, telling about his flaws in a humerous way. He also told of his classmates and their mistakes and being made fun of by the teacher, the teacher also being very sarcastic with the students. The funniest parts of the essay were when the teacher would make sarcastic remarks to the students and when Sedaris would make fun of himself.
"Deadpan" humor is making or joke or being funny is a sort of effortless way. Speaking in a monotone voice and not changing the facial expression as if you are not trying to be humerous.
"I knew my fear was getting the best of me whe i started wondering why they don't sell cuts of meat in vending machines." (Sedaris 276). This is an example of "deadpan" humor because you can tell that Sedaris is not trying to be humerous, he is simply telling of an experience but used an unual experience that one could find funny but he is not coming of as trying to be funny.
2. Sedaris reveals parts of himself through the story by using humor. He subtly makes fun of himself and tells of his teacher making fun of him and pointing out his mistakes which reveals parts of himself. At the end we know alot about Sedaris and we come about this by him telling about his experience in this class my making fun of himself.
"Deadpan" humor is making or joke or being funny is a sort of effortless way. Speaking in a monotone voice and not changing the facial expression as if you are not trying to be humerous.
"I knew my fear was getting the best of me whe i started wondering why they don't sell cuts of meat in vending machines." (Sedaris 276). This is an example of "deadpan" humor because you can tell that Sedaris is not trying to be humerous, he is simply telling of an experience but used an unual experience that one could find funny but he is not coming of as trying to be funny.
2. Sedaris reveals parts of himself through the story by using humor. He subtly makes fun of himself and tells of his teacher making fun of him and pointing out his mistakes which reveals parts of himself. At the end we know alot about Sedaris and we come about this by him telling about his experience in this class my making fun of himself.
Monday, October 13, 2008
unflattering thing
Writing papers is not my specialty and last year I had to write a lot of them, specifically in English class. Every time the day came when Mr. George would pass out the rubrics for the essay we were to write, my day automatically became terribly stressful and upsetting. I dreaded the thought of sitting at my computer and trying put together an essay. From the moment I knew I was to write a paper I was in such a mood about seventy percent of the time and I took those bad moods out on other people, mostly people who were really close to me. Not only did I stress about that essay every single day I would not even try one but of it until the night before it was due. Not the best way to go about that.
So the night before the paper was due would come, it would be the worst night of my life each time. I would come home from school and do absolutely anything to stray from doing my paper. Finally the moment would come when I would have to force myself to sit down at my computer and start my paper. The hardest thing for me to do was how to start to it, I could not be able to think of something to write and I would just get so angry. From then on I would become so unbelievable upset and stressed about the paper that I would just not be able to do it at all. This was not in a self pity kind of way, it was that just physically was not able to do because I was so upset that I was incapable of doing it. Everyone would just tell me to calm down, relax, and they would help whenever I needed it. Instead I would do the exact opposite, I was get even more angry and say things like “ you don’t understand this is way too hard!” and “I suck at writing papers so it doesn’t even matter, I don’t know why I’m even doing it.” I would just completely over react and take it out on everyone else. Then once I got into the momentum of doing my paper, I was completely fine. I did it without complaints or help, because I knew that if I asked for any help I would just stress myself out even more because I would not be able to handle if I did something wrong at this point. So I went on without a word and passed the paper in the next day, then once I got my grade back I would get so upset again because it was not a good grade. This has become sort of a habit now. It is something that just automatically happens when I do not even notice it and has become a way of who I am. It is not something I’m very proud of at all but then again we can not all be perfect.
So the night before the paper was due would come, it would be the worst night of my life each time. I would come home from school and do absolutely anything to stray from doing my paper. Finally the moment would come when I would have to force myself to sit down at my computer and start my paper. The hardest thing for me to do was how to start to it, I could not be able to think of something to write and I would just get so angry. From then on I would become so unbelievable upset and stressed about the paper that I would just not be able to do it at all. This was not in a self pity kind of way, it was that just physically was not able to do because I was so upset that I was incapable of doing it. Everyone would just tell me to calm down, relax, and they would help whenever I needed it. Instead I would do the exact opposite, I was get even more angry and say things like “ you don’t understand this is way too hard!” and “I suck at writing papers so it doesn’t even matter, I don’t know why I’m even doing it.” I would just completely over react and take it out on everyone else. Then once I got into the momentum of doing my paper, I was completely fine. I did it without complaints or help, because I knew that if I asked for any help I would just stress myself out even more because I would not be able to handle if I did something wrong at this point. So I went on without a word and passed the paper in the next day, then once I got my grade back I would get so upset again because it was not a good grade. This has become sort of a habit now. It is something that just automatically happens when I do not even notice it and has become a way of who I am. It is not something I’m very proud of at all but then again we can not all be perfect.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Shooting an Elephant
1. This story is about two different themes; imperialism and peer pressure. Imperialism is sown because Britain has control over India and the main character is a cop from Britain in India. The Indian people do not like him at all, they do not like Britain because they have control over India, from afar. Peer pressure is the the other theme. He goes through peer pressure when he has to choose whether or not he should shoot the elephant. These two themes are intertwined because, he is not liked there at all because of the imperialism that is going on and then when the elephant goes into "must" and goes crazy, the Indian people want him to be shot because he has killed a man, and the man gets a gun and has the option of shooting the elephant. If he shoots the elephant, then the Indian people will have more respect for him, then will like him more, because they want the elephant to be killed. But, if he does not shoot the elephant they will still hate him. He wants to be liked, if he has the chance to be respected more then he would take it, and with all the people behind him waiting for him to shoot the elephant, he is peer pressured into shooting the elephant, to be respected because of the imperialism.
2. Orwell uses the tactics like peer pressure to reveal the unflattering aspect that all he really does want is to be liked even though he has authority over them he still wants them to like him. He uses peer pressure by saying that he was peer pressured into shooting the elephant by the people just so he would be liked by the people.
2. Orwell uses the tactics like peer pressure to reveal the unflattering aspect that all he really does want is to be liked even though he has authority over them he still wants them to like him. He uses peer pressure by saying that he was peer pressured into shooting the elephant by the people just so he would be liked by the people.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Lowering the drinking age
Ciara Lynch
AP English - George
October 4th, 2008
Debate
What seems more reasonable, dying for your country at eighteen or drinking in your country at eighteen? The answer seems obvious, but in this country at the age of eighteen you can enlist in the army and die for the country before you can have an alcoholic beverage. This needs to be changed. It does not make sense that you can die for the country, vote, and smoke a cigarette at eighteen years of age but you cannot drink alcohol. The drinking age should be lowered to eighteen.
In the army you have the responsibility of defending and saving peoples lives while putting your own life on the line. The people and the government of the country trust you with not only their lives but their country. At eighteen years old the government thinks that you have enough responsibility to save our country, but not enough responsibility to open a bottle of beer and handle your liquor. You must wait three more years to do that, but if you go in the army, you may not have three years left to wait. You also have the responsibility to vote for the leader of our country three whole years before you can have a drink of alcohol, something is not right.
At eighteen years of age, you can vote on the most important thing in our country; who the leader of our country is going to be. You have the responsibility and trust to make the right decision to the better of our country, but yet you do not have enough trust to handle your liquor and be responsible. Being able to vote is an exciting and enjoyable thing, if drinking is supposed to be a means of enjoyment, why can’t you enjoy a drink of beer at eighteen. By the time twenty one years old comes around, people are just so excited to finally be able to drink legally that they go crazy about it. Since they have waited so long they just abuse it. If you had to wait all the way to twenty one to vote, the people would either not care too much about the outcome or would be so excited to do it that they would make irrational choices. But, since they do not have to wait that long they appreciate it and are responsible and if the drinking age were eighteen people would appreciate that and also be responsible. Along with the trust to make the decision to choose the leader of the country and the trust to defend the country, at eighteen you have the trust to make the right choice whether or not to fill your lungs with numerous amounts of chemicals with a cigarette.
Smoking a cigarette kills your body with every puff you take. Not only does it kill your body but it kills the body of everyone around you also inhaling that smoke. Yes, alcohol does effect your body, but not nearly as bad and fast as cigarettes effect your body. At eighteen years old you can buy cigarettes and harm your body and other body’s but you can not buy alcohol which will only somewhat harm your body. When you consume alcohol others around are not consuming your alcohol, they are not breathing in thousands of chemicals, like the people who are around smokers. When you smoke there is really no way to be responsible, because not only are you hurting your body but you are always hurting someone else’s body by the smoke a chemical that linger in the air. When you drink you can be responsible, you can only effect your body and no one else’s body is being hurt by the alcohol that in going into your body. So, at eighteen you are allowed to do something that hurts everyone around, but you still have to wait those three long years to relax and have a good time consuming alcohol, only effecting your own body. This just does the make sense because it is said that the reason for waiting till you are twenty one to drink is because your body is not ready, well if your body is ready to smoke a cigarette is most certainly is ready to consume alcohol. The drinking age should be lowered to eighteen.
All in all, at eighteen years of age you have the responsibility and trust to defend your people and the country, chose the right leader for the country, and to chose whether or not you want to hurt everyone around you by smoking, but you still can not enjoy a glass of beer. There is no real excuse for waiting those three extra years to drink legally. If you are allowed to put your life and other’s lives on the line in many different ways, why not enjoy an alcoholic beverage? Lowering the drinking age to eighteen would only make people appreciate it more and ensure that they are responsible because everyone knows that if you have to wait and wait and wait for something, when you finally get it all you want to do is go crazy with it, especially if it is the last decision you can make. So if the drinking age were lowered to eighteen along with everything else, none of the craziness of anticipation would no go on.
AP English - George
October 4th, 2008
Debate
What seems more reasonable, dying for your country at eighteen or drinking in your country at eighteen? The answer seems obvious, but in this country at the age of eighteen you can enlist in the army and die for the country before you can have an alcoholic beverage. This needs to be changed. It does not make sense that you can die for the country, vote, and smoke a cigarette at eighteen years of age but you cannot drink alcohol. The drinking age should be lowered to eighteen.
In the army you have the responsibility of defending and saving peoples lives while putting your own life on the line. The people and the government of the country trust you with not only their lives but their country. At eighteen years old the government thinks that you have enough responsibility to save our country, but not enough responsibility to open a bottle of beer and handle your liquor. You must wait three more years to do that, but if you go in the army, you may not have three years left to wait. You also have the responsibility to vote for the leader of our country three whole years before you can have a drink of alcohol, something is not right.
At eighteen years of age, you can vote on the most important thing in our country; who the leader of our country is going to be. You have the responsibility and trust to make the right decision to the better of our country, but yet you do not have enough trust to handle your liquor and be responsible. Being able to vote is an exciting and enjoyable thing, if drinking is supposed to be a means of enjoyment, why can’t you enjoy a drink of beer at eighteen. By the time twenty one years old comes around, people are just so excited to finally be able to drink legally that they go crazy about it. Since they have waited so long they just abuse it. If you had to wait all the way to twenty one to vote, the people would either not care too much about the outcome or would be so excited to do it that they would make irrational choices. But, since they do not have to wait that long they appreciate it and are responsible and if the drinking age were eighteen people would appreciate that and also be responsible. Along with the trust to make the decision to choose the leader of the country and the trust to defend the country, at eighteen you have the trust to make the right choice whether or not to fill your lungs with numerous amounts of chemicals with a cigarette.
Smoking a cigarette kills your body with every puff you take. Not only does it kill your body but it kills the body of everyone around you also inhaling that smoke. Yes, alcohol does effect your body, but not nearly as bad and fast as cigarettes effect your body. At eighteen years old you can buy cigarettes and harm your body and other body’s but you can not buy alcohol which will only somewhat harm your body. When you consume alcohol others around are not consuming your alcohol, they are not breathing in thousands of chemicals, like the people who are around smokers. When you smoke there is really no way to be responsible, because not only are you hurting your body but you are always hurting someone else’s body by the smoke a chemical that linger in the air. When you drink you can be responsible, you can only effect your body and no one else’s body is being hurt by the alcohol that in going into your body. So, at eighteen you are allowed to do something that hurts everyone around, but you still have to wait those three long years to relax and have a good time consuming alcohol, only effecting your own body. This just does the make sense because it is said that the reason for waiting till you are twenty one to drink is because your body is not ready, well if your body is ready to smoke a cigarette is most certainly is ready to consume alcohol. The drinking age should be lowered to eighteen.
All in all, at eighteen years of age you have the responsibility and trust to defend your people and the country, chose the right leader for the country, and to chose whether or not you want to hurt everyone around you by smoking, but you still can not enjoy a glass of beer. There is no real excuse for waiting those three extra years to drink legally. If you are allowed to put your life and other’s lives on the line in many different ways, why not enjoy an alcoholic beverage? Lowering the drinking age to eighteen would only make people appreciate it more and ensure that they are responsible because everyone knows that if you have to wait and wait and wait for something, when you finally get it all you want to do is go crazy with it, especially if it is the last decision you can make. So if the drinking age were lowered to eighteen along with everything else, none of the craziness of anticipation would no go on.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Trouble With Self Esteem
Self esteem does have an impact on how people live and act. If someone does have a low self esteem, they will obviously be upset and be in miserable moods at times, now that does not mean all the time. Someone who is in a miserable mood is obviously going to have miserable actions. For instance, on day where someone is having low thoughts about themselves, they will already be upset as it is, and then if they have a paper to right that night, they probably are not going to do a great job on that paper because they are o upset. Now, if someone with a high self esteem and was thinking well of themselves one day would be in a good mood. If this person were to right a paper that night, the outcome would be good, I’m not saying that it would be the best outcome ever because I and everyone else knows that there are other things that could go on to make you in a bad mood, but with that notion of thinking highly of yourself at that moment is going to result in a much better paper than that of a person thinking very low of themselves. The actions people make reflect on how they are feeling when they are doing those actions.
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